What to do if living with your mother in the same apartment is simply unbearable. Psychologist: a person cannot be an adult until he moves away from his parents

Who and with whom should not live under the same roof

People say about relatives: the further you live, the more you love. However, people often think that they are the ones who will be able to get along perfectly with this or that close person. And they come together - not because life forces them, but because it is more convenient: someone escapes loneliness in this way, someone receives economic benefits, someone gets help with the housework.

However, very often such voluntary cohabitation ends in the complete collapse of the relationship. People don’t understand what’s going on and blame themselves or their partner for the “unaccommodation.” Meanwhile, some types of cohabitation are doomed from the very beginning - despite all the mutual love.

For whom and with whom is it better not to be under the same roof under any circumstances, and for whom it is quite possible to move in together?

Two plus one, counting baby

62-year-old Alla Ivanovna was very worried when her son Anton left his wife Katya with their three-year-old son. She tried to reason with her son, saying that the child needs a father, but it was all useless.

Then I invited Katya and her grandson to live with me. My apartment is large, and Katya has a tiny one-room apartment in the outskirts. But, most importantly, she needs to work, and I’m retired, I’ll help with my grandson, and it’s more fun for me.

Katya gratefully accepted the offer of her now ex-mother-in-law. Moreover, her relationship with Alla Ivanovna has always been excellent. But as soon as they moved in together, the mother-in-law suddenly turned into a Cerberus. According to Katya, as soon as she got a job (before that she was sitting at home with the child), her grandmother began to poison her:

She turned out to be worse than her son as a jealous person! - says Katya. - As soon as I ran into the store after work and arrived half an hour later, she greeted me pouting, went into her room and slammed the door. She didn’t say it directly, but she hinted - they say, while some “wander around in an unknown place, she, old man, exhausted." Early in the morning on the weekend, she started rattling dishes, dissatisfied that I slept for a long time.

Katya says that whenever possible she tried to entertain her ex-mother-in-law - she took her to the theater, inviting a nanny for Yegorka during these hours. On weekends, the three of them walked in the park. And in November, Katya even bought trips to Turkey for three.

“On vacation, I heard,” Katya opens up, “that she was telling her neighbors on the beach how hard it was for her to be with me, but she couldn’t leave her grandson. And she added that all her life the family was supported only by her.

In the evening, Katya called her ex-mother-in-law for a conversation, saying that if it was so hard for her, then they could go to Katya’s apartment. It's okay - Yegorka will go to kindergarten.

Then Alla Ivanovna began to grab her heart, recalls Katya, and said that Egorka and I were her whole life. That “one person has already thrust a knife into her heart” is about Anton, and now the last close people are going to leave her alone. She complained that Anton almost ran away from home since childhood, that she wished only the best for everyone... In general, I felt ashamed, and I took my words back.

Some time later, little Egorka met his mother from work with the words: “Well, have you had a good time?!” Katya said that you can’t talk to your mother like that, but he replied that your grandmother always says that, and she is the oldest and kindest. And soon Egorka said that “he and his grandmother were visiting dad and his new wife, Aunt Rita, she is very beautiful and cooks deliciously, not like you.”

Three days later, Katya and Yegorka left for their home - the girl was afraid that her mother-in-law would turn the child against her. They cope quite well. But Alla Ivanovna is very angry:

How ungrateful people can be! I did everything for her...

Psychologists consider it “unecological” to stay under the same roof as a group of “two plus one”, where there is a single adult - especially if she is female.

Age and loneliness aggravate egocentrism, explains Alina Kolesova, candidate of psychological sciences. - But if an elderly, lonely, self-centered man is able to abstract himself from the world, focusing on his beloved self (read, walk, have fun, get treatment, etc.), then a woman of this type needs real people. Thanks to them, she feels needed, important, wise, etc. Ex-mother-in-law Katie really wanted the best, inviting her ex-daughter-in-law to stay in her house. But in the process of living together, she was guided not by the arguments of reason, but by her emotions. In addition, the mother-in-law, with all the love for her daughter-in-law, in the depths of her soul will still gravitate towards her son - this is the law of nature. She is not an evil or stupid woman, just self-centered and manipulative. I think that after some time the relationship will improve. The main thing is not to repeat the mistake and not end up under the same roof again.

According to psychological research, “cohabitation in two plus one mode” will develop according to a similar principle, where a single mother-in-law lives under the same roof with her daughter’s family, a single mother-in-law with her son’s family, and an unmarried sister with a married family, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s the younger or older sister. . The reason is that a single woman of any age, who finds herself side by side with a “normal” family, is afraid more than anything else of feeling out of place.

Who can you live with in a “two plus one” group? Cohabitation “two plus one” can be favorable if the “third wheel” in them is a single man, provided that he is healthy and has a normal character - for example, if the family lives under the same roof with a lonely father-in-law, father-in-law or brother of the husband or wife .

Men have less need to confirm their importance through household members, influencing their relationships, moods and the environment in the house, says the psychologist. - More often than not, a single man, young or old, living side by side with a full-fledged family, is able to calmly go about his business, not paying attention to his “roommates” at all or helping them strictly “on request.” Exceptions include elderly, unhealthy, or very jealous and selfish single male household members.

A child who has grown up but has not started a family - a son or daughter - can normally coexist under the same roof with his parents if they provide him with personal space - both moral and physical.

Cohabitation in the "one plus one" mode

When family life 32-year-old Marina began to collapse, her 53-year-old mother helped her get a divorce.

This was a surprise for me! - Marina shares. - My mother raised me alone and kept repeating that I should get married and take care of my family, because for a woman this is the most important thing. Anything can be endured, just to avoid becoming abandoned with a child, as happened to her. At first I was even afraid to admit to her that I wanted a divorce! But when she realized that I was serious about getting a divorce, she didn’t try to convince me otherwise, especially since Vlad and I never had children.

According to Marina, her mother took on the legal hassle associated with the divorce, and then invited her daughter to move in with her and rent out the second apartment.

It was a rational decision,” Marina admits. - Why live separately if we are both left alone, and extra money won’t hurt anyone. Mom works, so do I, and in the evenings the two of us are not so sad. The first month we lived in perfect harmony. We missed each other in the five years we didn't live together. Mom cooked delicious food and fed me. Over the long evenings, I shared my painful experiences with her, she sympathized with me and recalled similar episodes from her life. I calmed down, my mother also said that with me her soul seemed to thaw. But everything changed when I met Evgeniy.

When Marina told her mother for the first time that she was invited on a date, she was only happy. True, she immediately added that “this Zhenya may turn out to be the same scoundrel as Vlad.” And so that Marina would not be upset if suddenly the new boyfriend “disappears, having received from her everything he needs.”

But when Zhenya did not disappear even after two months, my mother suddenly turned from a kind warning into some kind of envious girlfriend! She had never said anything like this before. She suddenly began to hint that I was no longer young - for example, “at your age they don’t dress so frivolously anymore.” And once she even said that at “my age, normal people no longer think about partying with gentlemen”!

Marina says that her mother is a young-looking, fit woman, and it was very strange to hear this from her. At the same time, she began to talk about herself and her daughter as friends. For example, she told her friend that “she and Marina will go on vacation with their girls, without the old man,” meaning the company of her daughter.

When Marina brought Zhenya to meet him, his mother greeted him very warmly, set the table, but, in her daughter’s opinion, was too flirtatious:

She behaved not like the mother of the bride, but like an interesting woman who had not yet lost the love distance. She pestered Zhenya with questions about whether blonde hair suited her, and all the time she told stories from her stormy youth, laughing boisterously. It was the first time I saw my mother like this! Zhenya later told me that my mother in her youth was apparently quite a coquette. But I don't remember her like that.

And after a while, the mother began to tell her daughter all the time that Zhenya was not a match for her, that you cannot connect your life with a person who your mother does not like...

The attitude towards Zhenya also changed dramatically: when he came to visit, she greeted him coldly, pointedly went into another room, and refused to even come out to the table.

And now Marina doesn’t understand: why did this happen?

Marina’s mother is one of those women who, with age, begin to panicky fear of approaching old age,” explains Alina Kolesova. - This happens more often to divorced or widowed women. They are scared to realize that their active life is in the past, and the worst thing is to become unnecessary for their children. But gradually almost everyone comes to accept their age in one way or another. But the irritant in the form of a daughter living nearby and becoming practically a friend of the same age, and then demonstrating that they were by no means the same age, greatly upset the psychological balance of Marina’s mother...

According to psychologists, “cohabitations in one plus one mode” will develop according to a similar principle, which includes a single woman who is significantly older than her “cohabitant” - for example, mother and son, sisters of different ages etc.

The only difference is that if under the wing senior woman turns out to be a male “cohabitant” (son, younger brother), she will interfere with the organization of his personal life, attacking his chosen ones, says the psychologist. - And if it’s a daughter or younger sister, then the older one will peck at the younger one so that she doesn’t feel worthy of an alliance with a “normal” man. It is important that, with rare exceptions, this is done unconsciously; mothers and older sisters are absolutely sure that they wish only the best for the younger ones. So it is, only at the same time they believe that the greatest “good” for a child or youngest, no matter how old they are, is to always stay by their side.

Who can you live with as part of a “one plus one” group? In addition to gentle couples, loving spouses and mothers with small children, according to psychologists, “one plus one” cohabitations, where the eldest and single one is a man, can be favorable. For example, a father with a daughter, a father with a son, an older brother with a sister or a much younger brother.

Also, “one plus one” unions, where two people are approximately equal in age, social and social status, have a high chance of survival. material conditions. For example, brothers and sisters without a significant age difference or two friends (girlfriends) renting one apartment for two.

Men, especially adults and smart ones, are not afraid of the prospect of falling out of family conflicts; they do not feel unnecessary because of this, explains the psychologist. - A single father living alone with his adult son, for example, can also begin to flirt with his son’s girlfriends, but this will not be destructive, as is the case with the mother and her daughter’s boyfriends. The same applies to older single brothers in relation to their girlfriends younger brothers. A single father living alone with his unmarried daughter may demonstrate feigned severity towards her boyfriends. But even behind this, if his health and psyche are normal, there is no desire to keep his daughter with him forever. The reason is that a mature man's self-esteem does not depend on his place in the family scheme. And when in the “one plus one” mode people of approximately equal status and age (friends/girlfriends, colleagues, brothers/sisters) voluntarily cohabit, each of them is most often busy with his own life and interests, and it is easy for both of them to interfere in the affairs of the “cohabitant”. there is no time and no need.

Experts are confident that the following simple rules hostels will help all free and involuntary roommates:

1. Get together two by two! If there is good will on both sides, any two-by-two cohabitation can be peaceful - for example, parents and daughter with a husband or a son with his wife. If desired, you can always level out disagreements between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, if both have husbands nearby, and father-in-law and son-in-law, if both have wives. If adult children remain in the parental family, they must be given personal space in every sense - the opportunity to be alone and the right to manage their lives.

2. Avoid triangles! The main guarantee of a successful “hostel” is the absence of family triangles in which one person necessarily feels out of place. And if this is a woman, then you definitely don’t expect anything good! If a single grandmother lives with the family, entrust her with raising her grandchildren and emphasize that you fully trust her experience and wisdom so that she feels needed. If you don't have children, get her a dog, cat or companion so that she doesn't feel lonely.

3. Give food for thought! This method is suitable for intelligent, single grandmothers who have an active career behind them. social life, as well as to all single grandfathers living with a young family. Often, after a certain age, it is simply vital for people to solve other people’s problems, especially if they don’t have their own - let’s remember the gossiping grandmothers or grandfathers at the entrance, arguing with the TV and writing complaints to the long-defunct party committee. Sometimes young people should deliberately come up with a difficulty for themselves and ask for advice from a caring elderly member of the household, let them discuss it for their own joy, feeling like they are the brains of the family.

4. Learn to control yourself! Your own psychological state is also important, because we always receive from others a response to the message that we ourselves give to them. If one of your household members is annoying you, it means that you are somehow allowing him to do this. The first thing you need to do is mentally forgive all the grievances: a member of your household for ruining your life, and yourself for being angry with this member of your household. Having reset your relationship in this way, create a distance between yourself and the offender. If physical distance is not possible, create psychological distance. Imagine that you are wearing a glass spacesuit and you are flying into space in it. Remember that an astronaut in a spacesuit is physically unable to react violently to every mosquito that hits the glass of his helmet.

I live with my mother. Not because I want to, but because there is no way to move out. And I don’t want to live like this anymore.
I don’t want to, not only because I’m already 30 years old and want to live separately, but also because my mother is a difficult person. Everyone always left her. The fact is that she is, to put it in slang, a beggar in nature. She believes that everyone owes her. She herself does nothing; she always hopes only that others will do everything for her. Needless to say, it doesn't work. She quit her job several years ago. And this without a gram of alcohol! She constantly demands money from me for food and other things. She doesn’t care that everything is going wrong for me. I can't find any decently paid work. Working as a janitor, I received pennies, which she immediately ate. It’s not even enough to pay for accommodation. Debts are piling up. So I quit this meaningless job to either find a normal one, or... to quit everything.
I never found a job. I am not hired either due to lack of work experience or due to failure to pass probationary period. Because I'm worthless! I can't do anything. I don't know how to communicate with people. I spent my entire childhood in psychologists’ offices with my social phobia. No one needs these... I'm thinking about suicide.
P.S. I am only looking for psychological help, please do not offer or tell me anything related to religion, I am not religious, and this conversation only makes me feel worse
P.P.S I don’t want to leave my mother, but it’s impossible to live like this anymore...
Support the site:

Unnamed, age: 30 / 08/18/2014

Responses:

The same nonsense for a long time I lived in a shell and all attempts to get out and find a decent job ended in failure. When the period of tossing gave way to complete despair and I said: “God, I don’t have the strength, I don’t understand how I should live and where I should go, lead me wherever you see fit,” I found a job, and so smoothly I joined the team, without interviews and hassle. Sorry, you asked not to talk about faith and God, but your condition is very close to me, I want to support you. Whether we like it or not, there is nowhere without God, and the sooner we understand this, we begin to take small steps towards him, our lives will begin to change. Man With No Name, please hold on.

Tatyana, age: 41 / 08/18/2014

Yes, your situation is difficult. But it seems to me that problems in communication are now quite well studied, there is a lot of literature and materials on the Internet. Any phobia is just a pain in the head, it is not connected with reality. You, just like everyone else, have vocal cords, a mouth, and brains. In principle, you can communicate, you’re just afraid of it because of your little experience. Only training can solve the problem. Start with small victories over yourself, and then you’ll see that you can do it! Just don't give up! Everything will come. Good luck.

Maria, age: 26 / 08/18/2014

Hello! Sorry, I'm with practical advice about work. There are quite a lot of vacancies that do not require qualifications:
- You can work as a loader in a store,
- post-printer in a printing house or polygraphy (non-dusty work for guys, a basic desire is required, the main thing is to convince the employer of your ardent interest)
- operate a photocopier (you can learn it in a couple of hours)
- display goods in the store
- a waiter in a cafe
- at night as a security guard for a kindergarten or something else (this can be combined with a day job, since all security guards sleep at work).
... And this is just a rough idea of ​​how much has already accumulated. Good luck!

Elizaveta, age: 29 / 08/19/2014

Hello! Have you tried registering with the labor exchange? It is possible to find retraining courses there. Another option is work without specific skills, usually not physically easy, possibly on a rotational basis. And you’ll earn money and get a little rest from your mother. Don't worry about your social anxiety, get out of your comfort zone.

Ekaterina, age: 27 / 08/19/2014

Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon I am 27 years old. I have lived with my parents all my life. Until he was 20, my father also lived with us. My mother and I have been living together for 7 years now. My childhood was not easy, there were constant scandals, my father drank. To be honest, we live, it’s hard to call it, I don’t remember a single week without a scandal. I want to live and enjoy life, and not constantly listen to how I’m doing everything wrong, that I don’t have a husband and she already wants grandchildren, but I’m not doing anything for this. Over the past 5 months, the situation has developed in such a way that I found a remote job that suits me and mostly work from home, rarely going to Kyiv for meetings. My salary has increased 2.5 times over the past few months, which is also very important factor, so I don’t want to give up remote work. But this is one of our stumbling blocks now. Because she thinks that I should be in a team in order to get married faster. This, in my opinion, is not the right attitude to the situation at all. I worked for 5 years in a team and nothing happened. I understand that so much energy and time is spent on meaningless worries and quarrels, but life is so short, I want to seize every moment and live it in happiness and joy. And my mother constantly reproaches me that I cannot find a normal job, that I do not listen to advice. Her constant phrase is: “You do whatever you want,” she repeats it several times a day. It's very difficult. A little about myself: all my life I have lived by the principle of being an excellent student, I am sociable, I work as an economist, I go in for sports, I behave too decently, I read books. I’m generally silent about smoking and alcohol. Always home before 11, even earlier. Constantly reproaches that I don’t let her rest, that I wake up early, I can’t even read a book until 11 pm, because she immediately says that it’s too late to go to bed, although we are different rooms and I don't bother her. I can no longer live according to the principle as my mother said. This simply goes beyond all boundaries... Reproaches that I don’t go to help her with the garden. But I just don’t see the point... She spent her whole life on these vegetable gardens... Although I have her very very educated person, works as a senior accountant. She really gives me a lot of valuable advice and I appreciate it, but not all the time and you can do it in a normal manner and not scream. I made the decision to move a long time ago, but something keeps stopping me. There is a thought in my head that maybe it’s all my fault and I won’t run away from myself by moving to live separately. But I’m just ashamed that I have such a relationship with my mother and that I can’t change anything. It’s gotten to the point that sometimes I can’t be in the same apartment with her, I want to either lock myself in a room or leave the house.... Or I’m waiting for the weekend for her to leave. I understand that time flies very quickly... And that something needs to be done about it, since the situation is only getting worse.... She has problems with the thyroid gland, perhaps constant irritability also depends on this... I don’t know, very I want to start my own family... but I no longer believe that I can do this while living with her...

Psychologist Elena Alekseevna Lobova answers the question.

Hello Maria!

1. If you don’t like something, change it.

2. If you can’t change it, accept it.

3. If you can’t accept it, see point “first” or change your attitude towards what is happening. Alternatively, reduce the significance of the problem.

As you can see, there is always a way out, and whoever said that this way out should be accepted is only one. You can act in several ways to solve the situation - right away.

You are right that you need to move.

You will become your own boss and will no longer react so sharply to claims from your mother.

But why do you even have a reaction to her words, and is it not because you feel guilty yourself, that you think that she is right and are trying to justify yourself - if you didn’t have such doubts in your subconscious - your mother’s words would not have hurt you.

She said and said - she has the right to her own opinion, but do not forget that your mother is a child of another generation and it is difficult for her to adapt to modern life and laws. So she’s trying to live with a “map of Stavropol in St. Petersburg.” Moreover, he imposes his “cards” on you. But whether to take it or not is your right. So don't take it - don't react.

You don’t take something from the store that you don’t need, do you?

Do you not watch those programs that are not interesting to you?

You won't go back to that cafe where you didn't like it?

Why are you taking it here? – don’t accept it.

But instead of just not accepting it, do you also feel guilty for what you didn’t like? You don’t run to the store to apologize for selling you a low-quality item, do you? - why take here a quality of life that you don’t need - you are already an adult and only you can choose whether to take it or not.

Would you not resist your mother’s instructions if you saw that she, following her own advice, was happy, successful and self-sufficient - would you strive to copy her in everything if you wanted to live the way she lives? Successful people they want to repeat everything... they don’t have to impose their point of view on others, on the contrary, everyone listens to them with their mouths open, wanting to repeat their success... everyone follows their sparkle in their eyes and irrepressible energy...

strange... but there is a protest inside you... (it’s not for nothing that they say: educate by example - only actions are copied - words are an empty phrase) why protest?

I don’t want it like that... I don’t want it the way you do... oh... what is it I... I’m sorry... that I don’t want it like that... I should want it like that, because you are my mother and you know better....? (absurd.. you don’t it seems? Nobody owes anyone anything... no one can understand our desires and what will be best for us, except ourselves.

Therefore, no one has the right to impose their beliefs on us. Moreover, now everything has changed and many people understand and realize this. The main thing is not to take what you don’t need. Not taking - this means - not reacting to it... not getting involved emotionally... we will not be controlled by something to which we are indifferent...

The fact that she wants grandchildren is not an argument

She will have grandchildren exactly when you yourself want your own family. How would you like a family? where are you going to start your family? – at home, where lights out at 11 p.m. is children’s time?

or in a team - among elderly women (who dream of marrying their mama's boys - nerds - infantiles - overgrowns to nice girls- or rather, to find a free housekeeper for your sons (they themselves are not old enough to look after their beloved ones) - is this the limit of your dreams?)

Besides, the team is not the same as the team. And not every team is a guarantee of successful dating and marriage. Does your mother really think that as soon as you get a job, all the men will fall in stacks at your feet? Are they just waiting for you to fall? We’re already tired of standing... – doesn’t this belief seem like a utopia? To work, actually, for the sake of strengthening one’s financial stability settle down - and not for flirtation and friendship - as some people think.

Another thing (if you saw the film “Service Romance”), then the question is how you will position yourself in the team and how and how effectively you will interact (if the heroine of this story - Lyudmila Prokofyevna - when interacting with ministers, is the same as in relation to Novoseltsev – you look and I would have grabbed a more interesting candidate for myself). The main thing at any moment in your life is not to be a ghost (and she, first of all, treated herself the way she treated her - will those around her really treat her differently if you treat yourself badly?)

But did the light come down like a wedge on these men? - everything and everywhere for them - catching their every glance and adapting to them - is this your perspective? You can do it without a husband at the moment there is someone... to restrict your freedom. And your personal space. At the moment, you have no need for marriage and you understand this yourself.

You’re just afraid to internally allow yourself to live the way you want, but you know how such restrictions end.

If a person cannot go against the foundations directly, he goes against these foundations through roundabout ways. I’ll tell you about them (if you’re interested) later), but not here... and many people know what I’m talking about. If you limit yourself in everything all the time, a failure occurs at the psychosomatic level. You don't need this.

And the first thing you must do is move away from your mother.

it happens that parents are no longer alive, but inside people everything sounds like their mother’s: “noooo,” and these are our inner virtual parents with their internal installations and prohibitions (the same thing - “you can’t run away from yourself”)

Third: love yourself. Accept yourself for who you are.

Start with this.

Mom is right in her own way. She worries about you, but her experiences did not bring you any benefit, happiness or satisfaction.

And they won't bring it. If you continue like this.

To have something you didn’t have before, you need to do something you haven’t done before...

Listen to yourself - what exactly you want (and don’t take the desires imposed on you seriously_.

Love yourself. Ask your mother: was she happy in her marriage?

then why are you in a hurry to get out? In order to get out, you shouldn’t do that.

and move - the stronger the love, the further the relatives.

And relationships... your mother seems to be older and it is she who cannot build a full-fledged relationship with you, not you, so you have nothing to blame yourself for. It’s not your fault that mom just needs to take revenge on someone for her failed destiny and life.

But you may be afraid of new relationships, because doubt may live inside you: if I can’t get along with my mother, then where else... (with... still a stranger to me?) - so start by building a harmonious relationship with yourself and with mom - how... a little later... first find harmony within yourself. Let the state of “Victim” leave you, otherwise new acquaintances will see you as an “extreme girl” - for reproaches... we are treated exactly the way we allow it... including our closest people...

You are no longer (for a long time) a three-year-old child to seek approval and meet the expectations of adults. A person needs the approval of adults while he is defenseless and helpless, so it’s time to grow out of the dress of a three-year-old girl and take life into your own hands.

But many are “stuck” in a similar state - depending on the opinions of other people - in order to serve their fears and are completely unable to decide something on their own - without regard to those around them.

For some reason people come to me and ask: what will happen...? what awaits me? - an interesting question.

Many still cannot understand that nothing awaits us if we do nothing... especially since something good in our lives does not happen by itself... therefore, take life into your own hands...

Accept yourself as you are and your mother as she is - allow yourself to be yourself, and others to be different....

Go to her... hug her... she's grumbling because she just wants your attention...

I can't guarantee that she will reduce her grumpiness when you get married.

there is a risk that her jealousy will escalate even more.

Watch the movie "While She Die." You shouldn’t please everyone and everything, but put your life on hold and live in the service of other people’s opinions and serving your fears.

But!!! Aggression is a cry for help... let your mom understand what she really... really cares about! Very!!! necessary now... no, not that you get married...

but simply that you love her very much (you will understand her perhaps when you become a mother yourself) just tell her about it... try it... she grumbles, and you - once... and hugged her - once... and told her that - that's good...

Mom... I understand that “you can only rely on what resists...”

create a “pattern break” - to her grumbling. Give her what she asks of you, but cannot tell you directly (the reason for the problems with the thyroid gland is that in her claims she simply shouts: “help me!!! I’m afraid!!! I’m so lonely!!! what will happen, if I’m left alone?!!! I so want to be loved! I so want to be grateful, but I feel like I just lived my life in vain!!!” - this is the true text contained in her reproaches - here, what she really wants to say... but she won’t say it directly, following her attitudes and beliefs, which led her to thyroid diseases and other problems. When a permanent block of the Vishuddha Chakra occurs - this happens often - when we suppress our true words in ourselves(. we want to say one thing, but stupid prejudices and moral principles (which no one needs for a hundred years) - they don’t allow us to do this, and even the inability to find out our own feelings for ourselves - makes itself felt) our soul begins to talk to us on a psychosomatic level ...

take care of yourself and mom...

4.8888888888889 Rating 4.89 (18 Votes)

The Belarusian reality is that not all grown children can afford to move from their parents to their own apartment. And few people agree to rent a one-room apartment in Minsk for $500. The rest choose a comfortable life on their own sofa, along with their mother’s borscht. Is the problem the socio-economic disorder of our society or the generation of infantile young people who stubbornly refuse to grow up? Family psychologist, psychotherapist, and gestalt therapist Vladlen Pisarev told Onliner.by about why children should move away from their parents and what will happen if this does not happen.

- From the point of view of a healthy family model, should adult children live with their parents?

There are several concepts on this matter. I am close to the position that a person needs to separate from his parents and become independent. I believe this is good. I think this is correct. But some people don’t believe in this, this is their position, and I don’t consider it necessary to convince them. However, there is such a thing as family life cycles. And if the child remains to live with his parents, then these life cycles are disrupted. The first such cycle is the so-called single phase. We are talking about the period when a young person, no matter whether a man or a woman, leaves the parental family and begins to live independently. Begins to build his own life. He starts earning money, paying for housing, buying clothes. A person learns how much life costs. If a person lives with his parents, then such things are simply unknown to him. It often happens like this: a young man lives with his mother and father and gives part of the money, say, for food. And he doesn’t know at all that he needs to buy washing powder, a light bulb or paint for his home. And then in his concept one needs much less material resources to live than in reality. Perceptions are formed distorted, and then a person will not be able to live normally, conflicts will begin. When he begins to live with his wife without parents, it turns out that the family does not have enough money. And it’s a big surprise for him: how is it possible lived before everything was fine with my mother, and now I have such a mismanagement wife that I can’t live on my $300?!

Second life cycle- This is the couple phase. Two people start living together. If the first phase, the solitary phase, did not exist, then in the second phase all the difficulties that we talked about begin. People don’t know how to live on their own, they don’t know how much life costs, they don’t know how to get on the waiting list or build housing.

The next cycle, when the family begins to expand, is associated with the birth of a child. It requires a restructuring of relationships. And if there was no first phase, there was a second, but they lived together with their parents, it turns out that the relationship is complex, unstructured. For example, who decides what is right for a child? Grandparents? Dad or mom? Whose word is most important? Who owes whom? Should grandmothers look after children or not? This creates a lot complex issues. The larger the family, the more difficult it is to clarify relationships. From this position, children, of course, should not live with their parents. And, moreover, it is better to separate from them and build your own life.

- But a couple of centuries ago, for example, Belarusian girls stayed in their parents’ hut until they got married...

If we talk about traditions, then historically it turned out that we, the Slavs, had a tribal system for a very long time. Therefore, our roots are in building very large families with unclear relationships. Is this good or bad? Many Belarusian families are satisfied with this model, when a strong grandfather is at the head, a kind of prince who keeps everyone in check and makes sure that everything is good and correct. And then everyone behaves as expected - “so that you won’t be ashamed before God and people.” As grandfather said, so it will be. But there is another truth in which a family is only a husband, wife and children. They build their own lives, not connected with their parents on any side. A husband and wife create something of their own, individual.

In general, this difference in strategies - to live as a large family family or as an individual - is largely explained by the level of development of society. The better the socio-economic conditions in the country, the more opportunities there are for individual families, and vice versa.

- At what age is it better to leave your parents?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer here. I have seen people who, even at 40 years old, did not separate from their parents. It would be right to move when the need arises. If we rely on real social things, then why not connect the beginning of an independent life with coming of age? Only at the age of 18 is it difficult to implement this in practice, because at that age only unique people. Although I know people like that. A reasonable approach is needed here: at what age can a person in our world really provide for himself? We need to build on this.

- Why do adult children continue to live with their parents, although they have long turned 18?

Yes, it’s just convenient to live with your parents. They cook and buy a lot for their children, so they can spend more money on themselves. Therefore for large number young people, men and women, it's just convenient. And the idea of ​​leaving their parents appears when their father and mother begin to interfere with the fulfillment of their needs for freedom, for choosing a partner, for pets, for emigrating to Germany, for earning money. big money... The needs can be anything.

In turn, men who continue to live with their parents at the age of 40 also do this to satisfy some of their needs. If his mother cooks for him, washes, irons, buys him underpants, then why leave? Then you would have to either cook yourself (which is very tiring), or find someone who cooks just as well, and even with good character. And the character of the women around is bad, there is still no one better than mother - this is how men living in this situation reason. If the mother performs all the functions (she is both a housewife and a person with whom you can talk), then a wife is not needed. What is it for in this case? In this system, one more woman is simply superfluous: all roles are filled. There you need a mistress for sex - that's all. In order for a woman to appear, it is important to break off relations with your mother.

- Can a man who lives with his mother at 40 be successful?

Why not? It depends on what you mean by success. He can be quite a successful scientist. Mom provides the rear. He doesn’t need to buy food, cook, or iron clothes at all; he only does science. In such conditions he can study for 20 hours a day! And it is clear that by investing so much, he can get good result. Be an interesting researcher, generate ideas. He can also be actively involved in business, because, again, he invests all his resources in development.

- You get some kind of model of a happy person...

- I have a feeling that something is wrong.

This is because you are a woman and you have no place in this system of a 40 year old son and his mother. And in their concept everything is like that. From the point of view of such a mother, you are definitely superfluous there - a competitor. From a man's point of view, everything is fine too. For some men, even procreation is not a leading need. Or you can somehow manage to get married quickly, have children and then get divorced. And happily return to my mother and continue the same thing.

- Can we say that the current young generation has become more infantile, less independent?

First we need to understand what we mean by the word “infantile”. Is it the inability to earn a living when a person lives with his parents, and they buy him underwear? And if a person buys his own underpants, then he can be called an adult, right? It is often said that if a woman does not know how to cook borscht, then she is childish. Does she really have to be able to do this? If a person does not want to earn a lot of money for a living and knows how to live on a meager living, are we going to accuse him of immaturity? This is, rather, not an infantile, but a passive individual who is located at the very bottom of the power pyramid, which depends on genes. In contrast, there are dominant individuals. If a person has grown up as a dominant personality, then he is well aware of his needs and will achieve his goals. From the point of view of a dominant male, to obey, to earn little, to be led is clearly infantile behavior.

For me, for example, the criterion of adulthood is the ability to live independently. It is connected with a whole range of issues: establishing and maintaining social contacts, earning a living, renting an apartment, buying the products and clothes that you want. If this happened, if I provide for myself, then that’s it, I’m an adult. And if a husband and wife live with their parents in a two-room apartment in Kamennaya Gorka, and do not really pay either rent or food, then they cannot be called adults - not at 20, not at 30, not at 40 years old.

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