Somehow, you have to figure out for yourself whether you really want to do this. You can only respond to an offer if you have clearly decided whether you need it or not. Tell yourself: “No, I don’t need this!”
Say no to your interlocutor. Don't be afraid to offend a person. If you do everything right, there will be no resentment or obvious anger. Give reasons for your refusal. Give why you cannot or do not want to fulfill the request. When speaking, use the pronoun “I” more often. Speak clearly without confusion. No, just give reasons!
State the reason for the refusal. The reason can be either real or fictitious. However, remember that it must be understandable to the interlocutor. He must agree with you and accept your refusal. Don't be rude or harsh. Speak calmly, fix your gaze on the bridge of the interlocutor’s nose. A shifting gaze and uncertainty can make it clear to your interlocutor that you feel uncomfortable, and he will put pressure on you.
Refuse by doing . When refusing, say something nice to your interlocutor. For example, you could say: " Great idea, But…". The person must understand that you want to fulfill his request and, if not for the circumstances, you would definitely fulfill it.
Repeat your refusal. Psychologists say that a person needs to hear a refusal three times before he understands that it is no longer possible to obtain consent. Be. Respond to all persuasion with a firm refusal. Be calm and control yourself.
Train with friends. Ask a friend to pester you with a request. Refuse him. Ask him to point out your shortcomings and mistakes when refusing: a shifting gaze, an uncertain voice,... Over time, rejection will become much easier for you.
Remember: when you refuse a person, you are not deliberately offending him, but doing what you need.
Sources:
- Encyclopedia of practical psychology
Instructions
You should start with something simple - recognize that there is a problem. Without this, it will be impossible to change the situation. Try to understand how selfless your relationship is. If you analyze, it is not difficult to see the motives that motivate your friend, loved one or colleague.
Try to identify moments that seem suspicious to you, and then gently and tactfully approach them in some detail. After this, observe his reaction. If a person does not pay special attention no matter what happened, your relationship is not in danger. But if a person shows and tries to get something from you again, it’s better to prepare yourself in advance for a quick breakup
Do you find it difficult to say no? Do you envy those people who easily say this so that no one dares to contradict them? There are several simple ways that will help you.
1)
State the reason for the refusal. Example: “I would love to, but...”. It’s enough to simply explain to people because many of them simply don’t see a reason for refusal, that’s all. You don't have to tell the truth, but rather say something that the person will easily accept.
2) Change the subject. Example: “By the way, I somehow...”. If you feel that this conversation is not pleasant for you and is not taking the turn you want, simply switch to another topic of conversation. But not too harshly. Get caught up in other words of your interlocutor and accidentally drop something. Switching to another topic after a few minutes of conversation, say that you urgently need to run, except, of course, in those cases when the question has already been posed “yes” or “no”.
3) Sweeten what you said. Example: “Wonderful idea, but...” Sometimes you are afraid to say no, so as not to offend anyone. Therefore, you can say it in such a way that a person will take it as a compliment. Tell him what a wonderful offer it is, but you just can’t do it right now. The main thing is that the compliments sound sincere.
4) Call your girlfriends/friends for help. Example: "And between you and me...". You are sure that by saying “no,” the conversation will lead to an unwanted revelation of what is happening. And this conversation will proceed very violently, and you are ready to do anything just to avoid it. You do not want to sacrifice your interests and resort to the help of friends who like to interfere in other than their own affairs, having decided in advance what they will say.
5) You can avoid answering. Example: "Let's see…". You feel pressure from the outside, intrusiveness and any excuses you know won’t help, so just say: “I’ll think about it, I’ll try.”
6) Get support. Example: “Only you can understand me...”. Many people react painfully when they are told “no.” And it’s hard for them to get into your position, so when talking with this person, talk from time to time about how busy you are with things, that you don’t have any time. That your significant other doesn’t understand that you didn’t show up on a date because you had an emergency at work...
7) Offer an alternative. Example: “Maybe it’s worth it...”. You can disagree, but offer your idea. By offering an option that will suit everyone, but only one that is optimal for everyone.
8) Make it a joke. Example: “You see, I would have gone on my way, but the cat ran away in my shoes yesterday and...”. You can fantasize using different options. Just make sure it doesn't look like you're ridiculing the person. Irony should be good.
9) Let the responsibility fall on others. Example: “Well, if you think so...”. Let them think that you have no other choice, and you agree with their opinion.
10) Use other people's techniques. Example: “What do you think...”. The options may be different: “You won’t be offended if..., it’s okay, because there’s nothing terrible in the fact that...?
You arrive at a car service and the mechanic says that the repair will cost only three hundred dollars, after which the expression on your face changes. He asks: “Is it expensive?” You answer: “What do you think?” After which there is a chance that he will give in to you. Well, if you haven’t found anything suitable, you can simply firmly and confidently say “no.”
Not always and not everyone can we help, devote our time and energy. Therefore, often even close people have to refuse, for objective reasons or simply due to lack of desire. It's okay to say no. You need to learn to do this without remorse and suffering. If you want or are forced to say “no,” but are afraid of offending someone you care about, you can do everything in such a way that no one will be upset. Let's look at 5 simple ways refuse without offending people.
1. Offer an alternative.
If a person asks you for a meeting, some kind of service or favor, and for some reason you do not intend to satisfy his request, you can not just refuse, but offer the interlocutor an alternative solution. For example, a colleague asks you to replace you at work while you are on vacation. You have a good, friendly relationship with him, and you wouldn’t want to hurt him. But you don’t want to go to work before the deadline. You can, for example, offer your colleague the phone number of another employee who is not busy and is not against additional part-time work. This way you will not offend the person, and besides, you will show your participation in his difficult situation, and perhaps even help.
2. Say you understand the person.
If you are about to refuse someone but are worried about their reaction, which may be painful and emotional, begin your speech with the words: “I understand you” or “I sympathize with you.” And then insert “but” and continue your speech with a refusal. By starting a speech in this way, you make it clear to the person that his problems are by no means indifferent to you, but in this moment you cannot give him anything except sympathy or empathy.
3. State the reason.
This works with almost all adequate, non-toxic people. When you tell your interlocutor the objective reason for your refusal, he will immediately understand that he has come to the wrong address and will not be offended, but will begin to look for someone else who can help him. Let's look at an example. A friend came to you to borrow money before payday, which she really needed to buy a dress at a discount. If you simply say “no, I won’t,” it is quite possible that this will hurt your friend. But, if you say: “Sorry, I can’t help you, because I’ve planned a budget for the month and don’t have any free funds,” your friend will thank you for your participation and go look for another way to meet her needs.
4. Inspire to solve the problem yourself.
Often people turn to us with requests not only because they have no other way to solve their problem. Sometimes it happens that a person is simply used to solving his problems at the expense of others, or does not believe that he can cope on his own. In this case, you can help the person by refusing, but inspiring him to independent decision problems.
5. Offer to help another time.
If in present moment no matter how hard you try, you can't help to a loved one and are forced to refuse, you can offer to help him at some other time if you want to be involved in his situation later. This way you will definitely not offend the person, and even more, you will be able to help another time.
MENSBY
4.6
Many take advantage of your kindness, and when you refuse, they accuse you of complete selfishness and heartlessness? Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.
There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can contact them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many consider this quality of their character to be a human virtue, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “no-failure” person in order to transfer some of your problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal life, although as gratitude for their reliability they can best case scenario expect a backhanded compliment.
A striking example of a reliable person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film “ Autumn Marathon"with Oleg Basilashvili in leading role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life was almost over, but he never became a person because he always lived the way others wanted.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively take advantage of their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is looking for an executioner. And even if the “non-refusal person” suddenly rebels and refuses to play the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of complete selfishness and heartlessness.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.”
Why are people afraid to say no?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their wishes most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.
Many people later regret what they once wanted, but were unable to say “no”.
Often, when people refuse, they say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.
Some people don't say “no” for fear of becoming unwanted and being left alone.
How to refuse politely?
By saying “no,” we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that what is more important for us is to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that burden us. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say “yes” or “no,” replacing them with the words “Let’s discuss this.”
When saying “no”, it is worth remembering that:
this word can protect against problems;
can mean “yes” if pronounced hesitantly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by refusing what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are several simple ways to politely refuse, which show that anyone can do this task.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when refusing something, you must give a reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, the lie may later be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often gives himself away with his facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I can’t do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirades. There is no need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no.”
This method is suitable for refusing aggressive and overly persistent people.
2. Compassionate refusal
This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their way with their requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help.
For example, “I’m very sorry for you, but I can’t help you.” Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”
3. Justified refusal
This is a fairly polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both when refusing to older people and when refusing to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.
This refusal assumes that you give a valid reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this because I’m going to the theater with my child tomorrow,” etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing when using it is the brevity of the wording so that the person asking quickly grasps the essence.
4. Delayed refusal
This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone’s request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically respond with consent to any request. People of this type often doubt that they are right and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
Delayed refusal allows you to think about the situation and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say “no” immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. This way you can insure yourself against rash steps.
A justified refusal might look like this: “I can’t answer right now because I don’t remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I have arranged to meet someone. I’ll need to look at my weekly planner to confirm.” Or “I need to consult at home,” “I need to think. I’ll tell you later,” etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise refusal
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the terms of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.
For example, “I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be ready by eight o’clock.” Or “I can help you do repairs, but only on Saturdays.”
If such conditions do not suit the requester, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we don’t want or can’t, but together with the person asking, we look for a solution to the problem.
For example, “I can’t help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues.” Or “Perhaps I can help you in another way?”
In response to examples different techniques refusal, one can argue that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation when we have nothing to count on anyone’s help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to “playing with one goal”, believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.
Paradoxically, the ability to refuse is just as necessary as the ability to sympathize and help. If you can't say no, you will be contacted without a twinge of conscience by those who would never respond to a request for help. We master the technique of refusal.
There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can contact them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many consider this quality of their character to be a human virtue, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “no-failure” person in order to transfer some of your problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they can, at best, count on a dubious compliment as gratitude for their reliability.
A striking example of a reliable person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film “Autumn Marathon” with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life was almost over, but he never became a person because he always lived the way others wanted.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively take advantage of their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is looking for an executioner. And even if the “non-refusal person” suddenly rebels and refuses to play the role of lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of being careless and heartless.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “Living the way you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others should think and live the way you want.”
Why are people afraid to say no?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their wishes most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.
Many people later regret what they once wanted, but were unable to say “no”.
Often, when people refuse, they say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being rejected, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relationships, etc.
Some people don't say “no” for fear of becoming unwanted and being left alone.
How to refuse politely?
By saying “no,” we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that what is more important for us is to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that burden us. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say “yes” or “no,” replacing them with the words “Let’s discuss this.”
When saying “no”, it is worth remembering that:
- this word can protect against problems;
- can mean “yes” if pronounced hesitantly;
- successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
- by refusing what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are several simple ways to politely refuse, which show that anyone can do this task.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when refusing something, you must give a reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, the lie may later be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often gives himself away with his facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I can’t do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirades. There is no need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no.”
This method is suitable for refusing aggressive and overly persistent people.
2. Compassionate refusal
This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their way with their requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help.
For example, “I’m very sorry for you, but I can’t help you.” Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”
3. Justified refusal
This is a fairly polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both when refusing to older people and when refusing to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.
This refusal assumes that you give a valid reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this because I’m going to the theater with my child tomorrow,” etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing when using it is the brevity of the wording so that the person asking quickly grasps the essence.
4. Delayed refusal
This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone’s request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically respond with consent to any request. People of this type often doubt that they are right and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
Delayed refusal allows you to think about the situation and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say “no” immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. This way you can insure yourself against rash steps.
A justified refusal might look like this: “I can’t answer right now because I don’t remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I have arranged to meet someone. I’ll need to look at my weekly planner to confirm.” Or “I need to consult at home,” “I need to think. I’ll tell you later,” etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise refusal
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the terms of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.
For example, “I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be ready by eight o’clock.” Or “I can help you do repairs, but only on Saturdays.”
If such conditions do not suit the requester, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we don’t want or can’t, but together with the person asking, we look for a solution to the problem.
For example, “I can’t help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues.” Or “Perhaps I can help you in another way?”
In response to examples of different refusal techniques, one can argue that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on anyone’s help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to “playing with one goal”, believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.
